No news

Being busy is no news. And yet, I seem to drown under the neverending to do list, and weeks go by in a blink of an eye. All different but how the same.

My partner is still far away, hunting for PI positions or just doing his work…

The reality around me – it never changes. Week after week. Yes, I do different things, but truth is: it’s just whatever’s between the blinks of my eye. My reality changes shapes, transmutates, I see the colours flow, I see me cycle to work, I see me worry and plan and organize and run and perform, I see me take a deep breath, enter my home, switch on music and cook and try to forget, I see me feeling desperate, in the mirror, I see me saying out loud: come on girl, you can do it, before I leave, I see me calm, strong, when I reached balance and I feel I know what I want, until blink two days later when my world’s twisted inside out again, and priorities, priorities are shuffling in front of my eyes like a caleidoscope of choices. My reality, it flatters its wings like a butterfly, but it cannot fly. Its idea, its form – remains static. There’s no news. There’s no news. No news is good news?

Maybe it’s time for news. Maybe it’s time for a change. But when the change comes, it’ll require choices I don’t feel ready to make.

A woman’s choices between love and career. Or a man’s choices between career and relationship. A scientist’s choices between passion; vocation; drive; and… life? A human’s choices, because there’s just not quite enough time in one life.

So as this warm Autumn transitions into crispy Winter, I wrap myself in the comfortable blanket of my unchanged reality. It’s safe. It’s warm. And he’s there, still. There’s no news. All is fine. Before the choices come.

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