Giving up

I suppose I have given up on this blog in my mind about 20 times. It’s like with other hobbys when you’re a scientist: you pick them up; you are fascinated for a month; then you start attending to them less and less often; then you start feeling guilty…

Now, once you started feeling guilty the merciless self-perpetuating vicious circle starts, where the more guilty you feel about not doing something you planned to do, the harder it gets to ever do it. You feel bad about not keeping up with your own agenda, and not keeping promises to yourself. About starting and not finishing. About another side project of your life that gave in to lab and science (and, yes, sitting on couch staring at Netflix the rest of the time, but science works better as the ever-fitting excuse for why nothing works in my life).

I still haven’t mastered the art of taking it easy on myself. I joke around and try to emanate slightly ironic attitude of a person who’s seen it all (works especially well in lab as the medium-stage post-doc attitude: you’ve just started trusting you actually got the PhD for something and you feel you know so much stuff those poor students have no idea about…). But so often I catch myself feeling as if the matters of my life are matters of… well, life, or death. Practising distance to life while desperately wrapping my arms and legs around it… that seems to be me!

Conclusion, if not apparent, is: I will try to care less. And instead of dramatically quitting this blog because I rarely write, I will rarely write. I don’t have to become the next internet guru. And while more visitors would be fun, hey, some day maybe.

Meantime, the post-doc life is holding up some surprises. Literally: things are changing, and I don’t even know which way they’ll turn tomorrow. Two-body problem, torn between academia and the great unknown world of industry – all the old dear troublemakers at first-hand experience, closer than ever. Stay tuned…

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